Back again

I haven't looked at my last post to see when I last wrote it, but it's been an embarrassingly long time. So what happened? Needless to say, I slipped off the spiritual wagon for a while. It's humbling to admit that I failed so quickly.

Let's rewind: About August 2010, Christ got a hold of my heart in a mighty way. It was like being born again — again! It was as if years of spiritual malaise had been erased, and I was finally making Kingdom headway again. I joined a home group, went to church weekly, did daily quiet time and devotionals, allowed God to change my attitude and speech — I was really gaining ground. Yet something happened during the winter. The spark got snuffed almost as quickly as it had ignited. I felt like Matt. 9:22 had happened in my life ("The seed that fell among the thorns represents those who hear God’s word, but all too quickly the message is crowded out by the worries of this life and the lure of wealth, so no fruit is produced.")

I spent the better part of that time since then living in a place of indifference and cynicism. Once you shut Christ out of your life, it's easy to ignore how he's blessed you. I wrote off a lot of blessings in my life as coincidence. I was wandering dangerously close to agnosticism or atheism. Of course, I don't mean to disrespect those who don't believe in God, but I know who I am, and that person is in Christ.

So what makes me think I believe in this "God stuff" anyway? Why bother running back into Jesus' arms? The answer is simple: Because I know he's real. I know the change that happens when I'm close to him. I know how I push people away when I turn from him. I know the mistakes that I make when I don't bother to pray, attend church or study scripture.

So I'm left with a harsh reality: I've failed. Consistently and totally. Willingly. Yet I'm reminded of Luke 17:4: "Even if that person wrongs you seven times a day and each time turns again and asks forgiveness, you must forgive.” God expects us to forgive each other, even if it's seven times a day. So how much more can we expect God to forgive us and take us back when we're willing to humble ourselves?

There's a saying that always helps keep me going, even though it's cliche: A failure isn't someone who falls down, but someone who refuses to get back up. I may have failed in the past, but I refuse to be a failure.